Monday, February 25, 2008

Not again...

It's fucking snowing again. We might get 7 inches here in the City tonight. It won't happen, but fuck me in the goat ass, winter sucks and I've had it up to here. Kurt C. was right - Mother Nature is a Whore.

Speaking of two dollar bitches who piss me off today: I was on the bus coming home. 5pm. Michigan and Walton. My bus (#148) pulls up. about 95% full. I see an empty seat, next to a normal looking young professional woman. Usually that's a great seat -- they aren't crazy, they don't smell like urine, she wasn't even fat. Of course her big purse is taking up the extra seat (the last open seat on the bus -- and there were about 15 people standing at this point). So I politely ask this woman if I could sit. She grunts like a pig in heat and readjusts all her shit. She is reading a course study guide -- Nutrition is what this broad is studying. Based on her heavy sighs and near continuous grunts I gather she is struggling with this course. I sit down next to her. She is well over the middle of the seat (these were the two seats together facing forward). I am half cheekin' it on the ride home, but I am happy to have a seat and just want to read the latest news on my Blackberry and check the final market prices (up about 5% today). This woman is as stiff as a board -- she is edging me off the seat. I stand my ground and stiffen up myself. After about 15 minutes on the bus she grunts so loudly and says "STOP IT! I know what you are trying to do." I respond to her by saying "I'm sorry, but I feel you are pushing me off the seat." Her wonderful response "Right, I know what you want -- so just stop it!" -- What do I want, I wonder? Does she think I'm trying to make a grab at her fun bags? C'mon, even if I was, it is February, everyone is wearing thick winter coats -- if I was a perv trying to get a cheap thrill on the bus, now is not the time. I just ignore her -- she continues to grunt and push me. I continue to stand my ground. She grunts a "STOP IT" again. I ignore her. The people behind us are laughing. I was afraid she would yell "RAPE", then I end up spending the night in Cook County Jail. Two stops before I get off the bus, a large black man who is sitting in front of me turns around. Jesus Christ -- this dude is going to try to protect this broad!!! He says to me "I'm sorry to bother you, but I am happy to see that she is acting like this...." "What?" I inquire. "I was sitting there and she was pushing me off the seat too -- I thought she was racist, but now that she's doing this to you, I know she's just a bitch." WHAT?!! Yes -- this guy lays it all out there. I just smile and get up (my stop now). I tell the large gentlemen in front of me to have a great day. I hear that lovely woman say "Finally he's leaving ". I was very close to calling her a bitch myself, or perhaps dropping the C bomb -- or perhaps the K bomb...but that would have only pushed people from my side to hers.

My new plan -- to sit next to this cunt every time I see her on the bus. I'll probably have a restraining order against me within the week.

I love public transportation -- everyone is slightly crazy -- but not everyone is a raging self righteous bitch. As long as I don't get maced, I'll call it a good day.


David said...

I like the plan. As subtly as possible. As you say, I think you'd rather have people on your side than hers.

Jennifer said...

That is AWESOME!!! I started laughing and Jackson wanted to know why. I do have to admit that I'm glad I don't have to/get to use public transportation. I have a hard time with the crazies.