Saturday, February 28, 2009

Morose. Meloncholic. Insignificant. In a funk.

Today is the last day of February. Two months of this year have passed. What have I done with these two months? I feel like I am on auto pilot again. My life is running me -- I'm not living it. I'm not sure what to do to fix it either. I am moving forward on my work with my coach -- most of my coaching items are not related to work either.

I sit here in my dining room with Lilly sitting on my lap both of us staring at the laptop monitor in the foreground and in the background is the nasty floor to ceiling wall of mirrors. I am staring at the reflection and wondering what he can do to make a change. What can be done to feel like I am in control? Can I be in control? Is it better to feel like you're in control even when you are not, or is it better to realize you are out of control and just go with it -- like a roller coaster?

I wonder if the sense of listlessness is related to all the changes going on right now - or if it is something else. I also seem to have no drive to do anything. I was thinking my lack of drive to do things in my personal life is like an abused child who eats too much: they can't control major things in their lives, so they control the only thing they can -- food. I'm just drifting through the fast current of life: work is moving along quickly, the moves are speeding up to me, life as I know it is changing dramatically -- the only thing I can control is my utter laziness and my choice to do nothing. As I continue to do nothing I am in control -- I am utterly disappointed when I do absolutely nothing too. It's a big slippery slope. I often tell myself it is the miserable winters in Chicago that make me not want to do anything. I think that is a convenient excuse. I do feel so much better in the spring and summer though -- and when I am in the sun and heat in the winter (vacations).

I wish there were easy answers. Hell, I wish there were answers period.

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